Vulnerability & Being Fired

Today I’m going to take a moment to be vulnerable, and I apologize in advance for the length. I was just fired from ClusterTruck. I am incredibly upset, and I feel like garbage. Immediate thoughts that come to mind are that I am a failure, and maybe I should have been more aware that I was signing up for an inherently overwhelming situation as its Content Marketing Manager. What I do know is that the side effects of this past month and a half have left me with very real panic attacks that make it difficult for me to breathe and feel much self-confidence. I know it takes two to tango, and I try to live my life with that in mind. We are both at fault in this situation. 

Part of how it is my fault is because it is difficult for me to task switch between all the areas of responsibility I was given, and I wasn’t moving fast enough. Email marketing, social media management and posting, copywriting, graphic design, photography, video editing, and some other duties around the offices and kitchens. I say this so future workplaces understand and because it needs to be said more, but if I (or anyone I’d assume) is in social-listening and planning mode, it takes time to switch into graphic design mode, the same way that going from newsletter copywriting to photography also requires a different set of workflows. Maybe I’m an outlier. I don’t think it is impossible to do, but would argue each role requires a certain amount of respect of the craft and valuing the people whose whole jobs are in those specialties. Each area of focus is its own microcosm of skills and development. 

Maybe this is my fault for applying to such a wide-ranging role. I certainly would never structure a singular content manager with so much responsibility and expect them to remain sane. But I did want a creative role at ClusterTruck, and envisioned a less stressful feedback loop than I experienced in reality. Despite these unfortunate circumstances, I am truly grateful for the brief opportunity. What does bring me reassurance is that I had verifiable impact during my month. More than $100k can be attributed to my email and social efforts (double my salary), and just one month of my social advertising and strategy garnered ClusterTruck more engagement than their previous five months before I arrived. These results at a fraction of the cost we spent on branding, creative, and social advertising with an agency. And of course I am beyond thankful to all those who had my back and complimented the quality of my work despite such negative feedback from the CEO. 

I know most places don’t care about a person’s background or the circumstances they face. I don’t have generational wealth, but I have plenty of generational trauma. I have scraped and scrapped together my existence like many Millennials. I’m someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, am a recovered bulimic, have had one too many brain injuries, and was told last year by a medical professional that I’m probably on the spectrum. I think about these all the time now, how they probably make me a less marketable employee, despite that from a data-perspective I normally achieve pretty great results. And I don’t know what to do with all that information. When someone asks about a gap in my resume what should I say? “Well, I was going through some shit because it’s difficult to find an openminded organization that doesn’t overwork their employees to burnout and mental illness?” 

What I also know is that I approached HR and my former boss yesterday about the panic attack I was having because of several weeks of negativity from our leader while getting pretty consistent positive feedback from my colleagues. I was hoping for a more structured pathway to resolve the ways that feedback was not constructive. Instead I was fired without any conversation about that dynamic, other than “yeah he can be a bear.” Which is unfortunate, because I’ll tell you that knowledge does not exist in a vacuum, and I was warned by several friends after finding out I accepted a role there. No accommodations were made or even proposed. I was expected to bring thousands of dollars worth of my own equipment to do my job. And I was chewed out when trying to make a creative space above one of our kitchens so that we could create a systematic environment for capturing quality content. And I should be clear, I’m not trying to bash on them unnecessarily. They still make great food and I’m sure I’ll enjoy it at some point in the future. The majority of people I worked with were talented and amazingly helpful. I do think it’s important though to speak to my experience. 

So, if there are any takeaways from this vulnerable moment, it would be that I’m asking for your help. I HATE asking for favors, but if you can point me towards resources for getting help with my mental health, that would be amazing. If you can send me job opportunities (part-time, contract, or full-time if it isn’t the 40+ hour type) with organizations that offer mostly remote options, that would be appreciated. If you could take a moment to share this with someone who you think might be able to offer mentorship, I will sing your praises until the end of time. Please take a look at my recent video work and let me know what you think. I’d love to do more of that.

Thank you all for helping me to make a change in my life where I can find meaningful work telling stories, crafting creative content, and trying my best to be kind and respectful to everyone I encounter.